This morning… the whole of this morning… I felt as if my brain was not a brain but it was a fungus. Now, what was I meaning by that? The biggest bill we have to pay for ourselves is the way we are ‘feeling’. Well, unmistakably, I am using the term ‘fungus’ with all of full-blood sincerity, because that’s the way I felt. The surge of calm was missing, the domain of thinking was crestless; my work place, which is my mind, was devoid of any signs of creativity; I was listless, indifferent all the way. What happened? Had I been let down by certain events? No. Was I disappointed by someone, who I cared for? No. Any health issues? None.
The same brain that has played the part of a good, sharp, trim leader, by and large, was now appearing to me as a fungus. What was the problem? Such was my condition that relating to the problem-solution-issue was not receiving a power of any concentration from me. For a while, I let a complete blankness have access over me, but the monkey-mind made sure to enter and lay its siege on the developing scene. At heart, I was not feeling to be like a successful child, the type who taps sources of delight in the activities which are placed before him. I thought to myself: was the sweet, sweet spiritual success of meditation vanishing? Were the cornerstones of my progress crumbling? Was I a mere paper-tiger in possession of a fungus-brain? Was I a weak individual who was mood-prone, and that too, for no concrete reasons?
For the next two days, I turned and tossed in the same condition. The more I tried freeing myself, the more I was getting entangled. Self-realization’s next big step is to realize what is our present problem bringing us to a gun-shot halt, sometimes. To realize the problem and catch it at the preliminary stage is a healthy sign. Having fulfilled the salient requirement of finding a true Guru, (through God, of course) I knew that the positivity obtained through his guided path could not vanish so quickly: in me. It had to be a passing phase, reminding me to ‘cure’ the cornerstones of my evolution with further devotion and self-discipline.
The great saint, Sri Lahiri Mahasaya’s (1828 – 1895) favourite words are ringing in my ears – Banat banat ban jai! The master surely understood factors like, fungus, too!
Geeta Chhabra
Glossary.
Banat, banat, ban jai can be literally translated as: ‘Making, making some
day made’ or, as: ‘Striving, striving, one day behold!
The Divine Goal.’
